Friday, October 15, 2010

One word

I've hit a happy bump in the road. I feel happy. I can't stop smiling and just want to giggle. That's how I feel tonight.

Friday, October 1, 2010


I just got caught in a moment of silence. At this stage of my journey, I can't handle the sound of silence. The sound of silence unravels the vines that hold me together. So, I scream to make them stop from falling down. But, you can't hear me. You can't hear me. I scream and you can't hear me, or can you? Can you hear me, and can you hold the vines up tight so they don't unwind and stop me from falling apart? I can't live with the silence that has been left behind you. Life without you is so quiet, it is too loud inside my soul. I want to talk with you instead of scream at you, because I'm losing my voice. One day, all that I will have left to say will come out in whispers.

...But, only if I let the silence rule me. It won't. Because it has no chance against the sounds that I am letting in...

They are bright, and happy, and Colourful...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm falling

I've been spun, so around. I'm stumbling. I'm falling.
I've got scratches on my knees. I'm bleeding. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm waiting, for this feeling to leave me. But it won't. It will follow me, down the road to forever. I have to learn to live with it and accept it. It will be mine, only mine. To haunt me, or teach me. To live, or to die. To laugh, or to cry.
I've been spun, so around. Not sure where to walk, where to run, where to rest, where to belong. It's a pain too heavy to carry, a sorrow so hollow, yet deep. It's a comfort I find, in the notes of a song.
I feel guilty. I wasn't there to hold you, to catch you, while you were falling
and hurting and crying and longing for me to come and spend time, that's no longer left.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
I failed you. I love you. I miss you. I feel you. I still need you.
I've just been spun, so around,
and am searching
for ground.

I'm falling

Monday, June 21, 2010


My shiny stars came out with a video today! It's about Annie, and I think she's got her bags packed and is off with Graffiti6 on an incredible journey. Annie, she's that someone that will 'save you from the world' when you're down and just don't believe that you can go on. The video starts out with one lonely flickering light bulb, quickly joined by many flickering light bulbs which eventually begin to sway to the beat and rhythm of the song. The beat and rhythm of life. I don't know how I'll be able to turn my light out tonight to stop watching this video. It is simple, but filled with the complexities of life. People. All different People. Each one on their own journey. Whether a baby or a boxer, life isn't always easy. But, it can change. It can change from despair to delight, when you've got your Annie, and the faces in this video surely show it. Together with Jimi Crayon, Graffiti6's partner with paint, they present their electrifying, uplifting song, "Annie You Save Me," and will leave you smiling with delight. I am.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A snail's pace, A hedgehog's race

Sometimes the shortest journeys can seem like the longest ones.

Today's journey was a short one, but I sure was relieved when we made it to the end of it all in one piece. The journey today- a 6 min. bus ride to an 11 o'clock appointment. Sounds easy enough, right? The ride is short and the appointment isn't early in the morning. That means plenty of time to have a cup of coffee, eat breakfast, finish up some chores, and then head out the door. But, not with 3 children it doesn't!

How come children move at the pace of a snail when they know you are in a rush and are on the verge of being really late? Maybe panicking and saying, "go go go go go go!" really makes them think, "slow down slow down slow down!" In this case, my son was moving like a snail before I hit the "go go go go go" phase. OK, maybe I should have made my children take a bath the evening before. But in my head, I thought it would be much easier to bathe two happy and well slept children in the morning, than two crabby, already past their bedtime children, in the evening. Yes, it might be easier on the nerves in terms of crabbiness, but in terms of snails and a time crunch, the nerves go crazy.

By 9 o'clock, things were looking good. I had finished some chores, my day care child had arrived, and I had just let in the bath water for the boys. All on schedule. If it wasn't for the snail pace. After several small arguments, by the time both kids were in the bathtub it was already 9:30. Still, I felt a sense of "We can do this." After making sure the baby I look after wasn't getting into anything that could harm her, I ran around the house doing the check list, while the boys got clean in the tub. Snacks, check. Extra diapers, check. Wet wipes, check. Toys for entertainment, check. Money for the bus, Check. Ɯberweisung (can't think of the correct English word at the moment) for the appointment, check. Clothes laid out for after the bath, check. Towels in place, check. Every thing's good and ready to go. But, did I mention that snails don't like to wash their hair? Discussion, whining, discussions, difficult, difficult...time is's 9:50 one child still in the bathtub, one out but not dressed, a baby crawling around my feet and we have to catch the bus at 10:08. If we miss it, the next one doesn't come for another 20 min. If we miss that one, we're screwed and miss the appointment. I'm starting to panic. Have reached "go go go go go!" I don't know how, somehow, through all of the chaos, everyone got dressed from head to toe, we jolted out the door, ran to the bus stop and made it with 4 minutes to spare. After paying for my ticket and settling the boys into their seats with a baby in my arms as the bus starts moving, I plopped down and let out a sigh of relief..."Yes, we did it. phew!" From then on, the journey was a piece of cake. I watched the people around us smile at the baby and grin at the kids, forgot all about the trouble we went through to get there, and thought that as long as we make it to the appointment, the ride home will be smooth sailing.

That seems like it was ages ago now. There was still a busy afternoon and evening to the day. But, it has now come to an end and as I walked the dog tonight, I spotted out of the corner of my eye, lit by a street lamp, a hedgehog scamper out into the street and waddle his way across to the other side. And I thought to myself, "where is your journey taking you, Mr. Hedgehog? and how much trouble will you have to go through to get there?"

Saturday, June 12, 2010


I just got home from a good friend's birthday party. It was great. I met a lot of really nice people tonight. At one point, I was sitting on the couch with another good friend of my friend's. We were talking and she said in the middle of this conversation that she liked my earrings; dangly diamond stars. I know they are just objects, but it made it smile in a bittersweet way. I got these earrings on the day of my mom's funeral. My mom's closest and oldest friend gave them to me. She came to me with tears in her eyes and a tiny box in her hands. She told me how she bought them for my mom a couple of weeks before and had planned on giving them to her the next time she visited. She had bought them to cheer my mom up and bring a smile to her face, and because they had a special meaning to her. The nickname she called my mom growing up was, Superstar. But then, my mom died before she could give them to her, so she wanted me to have them. I wear them often and think of how my mom could always light up a room and shine like a star when she entered it.

My mom and I talked on the phone the morning before she was going away on a short bonding trip with some of her best girlfriends to a cabin on a lake in Wisconsin. She told me about what her trip was going to be like and it felt so good to know she was going to have a break from hospital visits and radiation treatments to spend time with friends in a beautiful and peaceful location. I then told her about how I was planning on going to visit friends and see my favorite singer, Jamie Scott, in a concert a couple of weeks later in England. I also continued to excitedly tell her about the new band he was forming called Graffiti6, and that I had a feeling they were going to be really really cool. And that made her feel good. We couldn't talk for very long that morning though, because her friend was picking her up early to get on the road for their trip. I wished her a wonderful time and we said our goodbyes. I didn't know then, that that would be the last conversation I would ever have with her. She passed away a couple of days later.

I'm sad that I can't talk to my mom about Graffiti6 now. That she can't hear the wonderfully soulful music that Jamie Scott and Tommy D write together and perform with the full band that makes up Graffiti6. Or see Jimi Crayon's bright and colorful artwork which accompanies their music. But, I'm so glad she knew they were on their way. They are shiny stars to me. Their music lifts me up when I'm sad, keeps me happy when I'm already happy, makes me want to shout for joy while singing and dancing around the house, and feel totally and completely like me. So, I'll be talking about them a lot. Things happen in life that you can't control. Some bad, some good. In this case, I got both at the very same time. I'm thankful for Graffiti6 and the happiness they bring into life, picking me up and keeping me moving. I think their song "Starlight" fits well to share this morning. This is one of my favorite songs of theirs and the beat in this song builds up inside of me, pushing me to keep on going. Even in times of darkness, there is always a starlight to follow.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Stars are Shining

The stars are shining and it's time for sleep. So, the journey will stop for tonight and start again tomorrow. I have to tell you about Graffiti6.