Annie

My shiny stars came out with a video today! It's about Annie, and I think she's got her bags packed and is off with Graffiti6 on an incredible journey. Annie, she's that someone that will 'save you from the world' when you're down and just don't believe that you can go on. The video starts out with one lonely flickering light bulb, quickly joined by many flickering light bulbs which eventually begin to sway to the beat and rhythm of the song. The beat and rhythm of life. I don't know how I'll be able to turn my light out tonight to stop watching this video. It is simple, but filled with the complexities of life. People. All different People. Each one on their own journey. Whether a baby or a boxer, life isn't always easy. But, it can change. It can change from despair to delight, when you've got your Annie, and the faces in this video surely show it. Together with Jimi Crayon, Graffiti6's partner with paint, they present their electrifying, uplifting song, "Annie You Save Me," and will leave you smiling with delight. I am.

A snail's pace, A hedgehog's race

Sometimes the shortest journeys can seem like the longest ones.

Today's journey was a short one, but I sure was relieved when we made it to the end of it all in one piece. The journey today- a 6 min. bus ride to an 11 o'clock appointment. Sounds easy enough, right? The ride is short and the appointment isn't early in the morning. That means plenty of time to have a cup of coffee, eat breakfast, finish up some chores, and then head out the door. But, not with 3 children it doesn't!

How come children move at the pace of a snail when they know you are in a rush and are on the verge of being really late? Maybe panicking and saying, "go go go go go go!" really makes them think, "slow down slow down slow down!" In this case, my son was moving like a snail before I hit the "go go go go go" phase. OK, maybe I should have made my children take a bath the evening before. But in my head, I thought it would be much easier to bathe two happy and well slept children in the morning, than two crabby, already past their bedtime children, in the evening. Yes, it might be easier on the nerves in terms of crabbiness, but in terms of snails and a time crunch, the nerves go crazy.

By 9 o'clock, things were looking good. I had finished some chores, my day care child had arrived, and I had just let in the bath water for the boys. All on schedule. If it wasn't for the snail pace. After several small arguments, by the time both kids were in the bathtub it was already 9:30. Still, I felt a sense of "We can do this." After making sure the baby I look after wasn't getting into anything that could harm her, I ran around the house doing the check list, while the boys got clean in the tub. Snacks, check. Extra diapers, check. Wet wipes, check. Toys for entertainment, check. Money for the bus, Check. Überweisung (can't think of the correct English word at the moment) for the appointment, check. Clothes laid out for after the bath, check. Towels in place, check. Every thing's good and ready to go. But, did I mention that snails don't like to wash their hair? Discussion, whining, discussions, difficult, difficult...time is ticking....it's 9:50 one child still in the bathtub, one out but not dressed, a baby crawling around my feet and we have to catch the bus at 10:08. If we miss it, the next one doesn't come for another 20 min. If we miss that one, we're screwed and miss the appointment. I'm starting to panic. Have reached "go go go go go!" I don't know how, somehow, through all of the chaos, everyone got dressed from head to toe, we jolted out the door, ran to the bus stop and made it with 4 minutes to spare. After paying for my ticket and settling the boys into their seats with a baby in my arms as the bus starts moving, I plopped down and let out a sigh of relief..."Yes, we did it. phew!" From then on, the journey was a piece of cake. I watched the people around us smile at the baby and grin at the kids, forgot all about the trouble we went through to get there, and thought that as long as we make it to the appointment, the ride home will be smooth sailing.

That seems like it was ages ago now. There was still a busy afternoon and evening to the day. But, it has now come to an end and as I walked the dog tonight, I spotted out of the corner of my eye, lit by a street lamp, a hedgehog scamper out into the street and waddle his way across to the other side. And I thought to myself, "where is your journey taking you, Mr. Hedgehog? and how much trouble will you have to go through to get there?"

Superstar

I just got home from a good friend's birthday party. It was great. I met a lot of really nice people tonight. At one point, I was sitting on the couch with another good friend of my friend's. We were talking and she said in the middle of this conversation that she liked my earrings; dangly diamond stars. I know they are just objects, but it made it smile in a bittersweet way. I got these earrings on the day of my mom's funeral. My mom's closest and oldest friend gave them to me. She came to me with tears in her eyes and a tiny box in her hands. She told me how she bought them for my mom a couple of weeks before and had planned on giving them to her the next time she visited. She had bought them to cheer my mom up and bring a smile to her face, and because they had a special meaning to her. The nickname she called my mom growing up was, Superstar. But then, my mom died before she could give them to her, so she wanted me to have them. I wear them often and think of how my mom could always light up a room and shine like a star when she entered it.

My mom and I talked on the phone the morning before she was going away on a short bonding trip with some of her best girlfriends to a cabin on a lake in Wisconsin. She told me about what her trip was going to be like and it felt so good to know she was going to have a break from hospital visits and radiation treatments to spend time with friends in a beautiful and peaceful location. I then told her about how I was planning on going to visit friends and see my favorite singer, Jamie Scott, in a concert a couple of weeks later in England. I also continued to excitedly tell her about the new band he was forming called Graffiti6, and that I had a feeling they were going to be really really cool. And that made her feel good. We couldn't talk for very long that morning though, because her friend was picking her up early to get on the road for their trip. I wished her a wonderful time and we said our goodbyes. I didn't know then, that that would be the last conversation I would ever have with her. She passed away a couple of days later.

I'm sad that I can't talk to my mom about Graffiti6 now. That she can't hear the wonderfully soulful music that Jamie Scott and Tommy D write together and perform with the full band that makes up Graffiti6. Or see Jimi Crayon's bright and colorful artwork which accompanies their music. But, I'm so glad she knew they were on their way. They are shiny stars to me. Their music lifts me up when I'm sad, keeps me happy when I'm already happy, makes me want to shout for joy while singing and dancing around the house, and feel totally and completely like me. So, I'll be talking about them a lot. Things happen in life that you can't control. Some bad, some good. In this case, I got both at the very same time. I'm thankful for Graffiti6 and the happiness they bring into life, picking me up and keeping me moving. I think their song "Starlight" fits well to share this morning. This is one of my favorite songs of theirs and the beat in this song builds up inside of me, pushing me to keep on going. Even in times of darkness, there is always a starlight to follow.

The Stars are Shining

The stars are shining and it's time for sleep. So, the journey will stop for tonight and start again tomorrow. I have to tell you about Graffiti6.

Will you join me?

If life is a journey, I really don't know where mine is taking me. I don't have a destination at the moment, because I seem to have lost my way. The roads that I have been travelling recently have frankly, been quite steep and hilly. I need help to get over them and I don't wish to travel alone.

On July 12th, 2009, my life changed in a way that I wasn't prepared for at all. After living with melanoma skin cancer for 11 years and fighting with all of her might to live as it was quickly spreading through her body the last year, my mother had no choice but to start a journey somewhere else without us. She didn't want to leave and none of us in the family wanted her to go, but for reasons I will never know or understand why, her journey here was over. I have screamed and sobbed for her to come back, but the screams just echo out into the distance and I am always left feeling half empty and so very lost.

But, I know I am not alone. I will always carry pieces of my mother with me wherever I go, and maybe the pain will lesson with time. Maybe the pain stays the same and you just learn to accept the hurt along with the happiness that life's journey brings with it, and then it is alright. I am not alone because I have help from my family, my friends, and from a world of music, which all keep me smiling and searching for the joys filled in every nook and cranny of life. They help me remember that after long periods of darkness and gloomy rain, the sun always comes out to shine again. I want to share this journey of life with people I love and be thankful for all that I still have. I love my mom, I will never forget her, I will miss her painfully, but I have to keep on moving. I have to find out what is past these awkward hills ahead.

Will you join me?